I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
