the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
