Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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