I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
