Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
