i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
