Will you blow on my dice?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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