Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
