you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
