i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
