I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
