Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
