Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
