I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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