Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
