He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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