so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
