just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
false alarm. still invincible.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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