why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
