I am spending my child support on dildos
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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