I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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