I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
