Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
