You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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