look no pants
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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