she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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