Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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