you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
