Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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