And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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