she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
