I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
