oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
