I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
