And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
