Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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