If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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