can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
