If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
