Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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