I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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