I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
