dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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