look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
