The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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