I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
