Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
