SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
