margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
