2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
