I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Four minutes until I can fart!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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