My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
