I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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