After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
