how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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